Realist vs. Reality

I have always wanted to be an optimist.

Is it just me, or does the world just love optimists? Ya know, the always bubbly, glass-more-than-half-full, the-world-is-your-oyster, [insert cliche here], people? I have always wanted to be a person that people walk away from thinking, “Gosh, I just love being around her!” 

Anyone else?

And yet – when it comes down to it, I’m just too much of a realist to be a full-fledged optimist. Despite my best efforts, I simply can’t let go of that rational side of me. By no means would I consider myself a pessimist (and I hope no one else would either!), but total optimism… For me, it’s always tainted with just a little dose of “reality.”

But recently, I have wrestled with this question:

If I claim to be a follower of Christ, who according to the Word is not bound by any limitation, then at what point is my realism no longer realistic?

Countless times (especially since graduating college) I have been excited, hopeful, or dare I say – optimistic – about a possibility or dream when suddenly it’s shattered by “reality” and promptly deemed unlikely, or worse, altogether unattainable. I’ve comforted myself with the explanation that I am simply being realistic. But am I? Or am I simply limiting the options so as to equally limit the potential for heartbreak?

Here we are at a lack of trust again. Anyone else noticing a pattern?

See, I want to fully believe in God’s faithfulness – that “He who began a good work in [me] will bring it to completion” (Philippians 1:6 ESV). Still, I’m a pro at creating potential road blocks and then convincing myself that God isn’t able “to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think” (Ephesians 3:20 NLT). Did you see that last part? “Or think.” That’s right – not only is He able to do more than I could ask, but He is able to do more than I could ever even think of asking! And yet, I determine that my realist mindset is much more  of a safe bet than placing my faith and hope fully in the God who promises this type of reality. Seems legit.

Even as I write this I struggle with the lack of cohesiveness of this entry because it is difficult to wrap my mind around this concept. Rather, it is difficult for me to accept that God’s reality is available to be my reality, if only I would just choose to let go of my shoddy reality. I don’t know why. I sit here, re-reading my own sentences, acknowledging that I am dealing with undue stress because I’m holding so tightly to this false idea that if I fully trust Him to work out the details of the areas in my life that feel so hopeless my head may float off my shoulders and into the clouds, never to be salvaged, wasting more precious time.

Because when it comes down to it, that’s the fear: Even if I can trust Him to fulfill my dreams and desires, I’m not so sure He understands that I have a timeline – and so far, it ain’t on schedule. We’ve got some catching up to do, God, so if it’s all the same to you, I’d like to hurry this along…

How arrogant of me! And honestly, it’s a thought process that completely cancels out the ounce of trust I say I’m putting in Him to begin with.

If it’s not already evident, I haven’t fully worked through this one yet. I’m still in the struggling. But I’m seeking. I’m clinging to encouragement. I’ve dug enough to hit the root. I know what needs to change in my heart and I know that despite my vast imperfection, He is patient and pursuing me even when try to run the other way.

Hopefully one day I will be the optimist – the girl who encourages everyone she encounters – but I pray that it will be because people are drawn to my reliance on and hope in Christ. Nothing else.

Until then, if you’re out there feeling even one bit of what I have inadequately attempted to express, please know that you are not the only one, so keep choosing trust.

Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God. ~Corrie ten Boom

Sweetly,

Alyssa Leigh

Striving

If I could sum up my life for the past few months in one word, it would be this: striving.

Constant. Endless. Exhausting. Striving.

And even though I can daily feel it sucking the Life out of me, I can’t let it go. Because I keep telling myself, if I just try a little harder, if I just go after one more opportunity, if I just accomplish one more thing – then I will be content. Then I will be happy with everything.

Who else has wished: If just this one thing would work out, then things would be great. I wouldn’t even mind if ‘y’ didn’t work out, as long as ‘x’ did.

Anyone?

I’m pretty sure I’m leading that scoreboard because as much as I hate to admit it, I do this all the time. I become so fixated on one challenge that I see in my life that it consumes me. Suddenly, every aspect is somehow connected to this one problem. And since this one problem is present, then nothing else in my life is perfect because the part that is connected to the problem isn’t perfect.

Are you confused? You should be. Because how irrational is that?!

The funny thing is, a lot of times, ‘x’ works out. The thing I pleaded and obsessed over and bargained with God about- it works out. And guess what? It’s not ok that ‘y’ didn’t. I know God, I said it would be fine if ‘y’ didn’t work out as long as you just gave me ‘x’ but ya know, I kinda secretly hoped that you would just go ahead and give me ‘y’ too…

See, there’s always going to be just one more thing.

(And let’s not even get into the whole issue of “bargaining” with God- like anything we could “give” Him is a fair trade for His hand in our lives.)

I rationally know that there will never be a time in my life (this side of heaven) that every single thing will be perfect. That’s just an unfortunate fact about living in a fallen world. Yet I continue to strive for perfection. I am blatantly unwilling to soak in God’s peace and contentment in the midst of whatever season I’m in – fantastic, terrible, or otherwise – if it isn’t my version of perfect.

This is a tough post for me to write. Even as I am typing these words in my room on a Friday night, I am struggling. I want to be free from the chains of striving. I want to fully trust that the God who put these dreams in my heart will be faithful to fulfill them. But I’m stuck right now. I’m stuck in this waiting period. I’m stuck in this feeling useless state. I’m stuck in this how the heck is this ever going to work out? moment.

And that’s hard. And admitting this makes me vulnerable. Especially when it seems like everyone around me is succeeding- their careers are taking off, they’re meeting the man of their dreams, they’re conquering the world. And I’m in my bedroom on a Friday night.. haha

But I have a feeling I’m not the only one. And even if I am, do I not trust that God has a plan for this period?

I have to. Even if I don’t fully believe this at the moment, I have to keep telling myself that I trust Him because the more that I choose for trust to be my perspective, the less that fear can be. And at the end of the day, fear is fueling my striving. Fear that my life will fall short of expectations. Fear that I will never feel fulfilled.

The truth is, for as long as I strive for my career and relationships to conquer that fear, I will never defeat it. Only Joy in the Lord can provide the fulfillment I long for daily.

Easier said than done. But if I’m going to strive, better it be toward Him, right?

Sweetly,

Alyssa Leigh

 

 

According to Plan, Please

Confession: I am generally high strung person.

Always have been. Probably always will be. Can anyone relate?

This doesn’t mean that I’m completely horrible to be around (I hope), it just means that I am most comfortable when things are going according to plan- because I love a good plan. I put a significant amount of thought into all my decisions and look at things from every possible aspect, so once it seems like I’ve found the “best” solution, I’d like for it to stay that way, please and thank you.

Life seems to really appreciate this fantastic quality about me and therefore, always cooperates with my plans. HA.

My friends and family would tell you that they have probably spent more time than they would like to admit thinking about how best to break the news of change to me. Yikes.

So many times, usually after getting upset because something went “wrong” or somebody let me down, I have stopped in my tracks & thought:

I’m done with this. I am not going to care anymore. I am going to embrace change – nay! I am going to seek out change – because I don’t like this about myself. Ok, God? Thanks.

Yet, there I am at the next junction of change and I find myself unable to fully be okay with it. As hard as I try, that knot of anxiety is there, reminding me that there is now a definite risk that I will be unhappy with the results of this new, unplanned experience.

I get frustrated with myself – and at times, God – because I think Why can’t I just get this tendency under control?

And there it is – control. Bottom line: control is the root of the entire problem.

See, deep down – like way deep down, where I wouldn’t actually want to admit it – I believe I am more capable than anyone, including God, to successfully plan and control my life. I desire omnipotence and omniscience above all else.

Omnipotence: Being all-powerful

Omniscience: Being all-knowing

I believe that God is a good god and has my best at heart, but there is this little seed of doubt that says Are you sure He is trustworthy? Are you sure that He cares enough about you to do exceedingly abundantly (Eph. 3:20-21)?

I do. But my need for control is a battle I have to make a conscious effort to fight every. single. day.

Now, more than any other time in my life, my need for control is exaggerated- particularly because I feel more out of control than I can ever remember. Why? Because my life doesn’t “look” exactly like I thought it would. The 12… 16… 18… 21 year old mes planned for this 23 year old me to be in a different spot at this moment. But the fact of the matter is I’m not in that pre-“planned” spot. And what’s more: no amount of wishing is going to put me there.

Here’s the truth: God knew I would be in this exact spot.

He knows where I’m going to be next. He knows what’s around the corner. I don’t. He is the omniscient One. And I am better off for it.

Because let’s be honest, we say we want to know what’s down the road, but think of all the times you have known about something that was going to happen in the future. How much anxiety did you let build up leading to the actual event because you knew what was supposed to happen & you didn’t want anything to mess it up?I’d be willing to bet a lot. (Unless you’ve completely figured out this whole peace & contentment thing- in which case, help a sister out!)

I don’t know where God’s taking me. I have dreams. I have hopes. I have places I’d like to see, things I’d like to accomplish, & relationships I’d like to build. And guess what? The potential of any or all of those hopes & dreams not being fulfilled stresses me out.

This post is not a cure for it. I don’t have a solution. I haven’t reached a higher plane of enlightenment. I’m not imparting some great wisdom on you. I can write & I can acknowledge & I can improve, all the while still struggling. 

But even in the struggle, I can still daily choose the joy of the pencil – the ability to keep faithfully writing my story with the Lord – instead of dwelling in the pain of the paper cut – the insecurity I feel as a result of my selfish need for control. And the more I focus on His power, the less I am able to find the significance of mine.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And His peace, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” ~Philippians 4:6-7