Confession: I am generally high strung person.
Always have been. Probably always will be. Can anyone relate?
This doesn’t mean that I’m completely horrible to be around (I hope), it just means that I am most comfortable when things are going according to plan- because I love a good plan. I put a significant amount of thought into all my decisions and look at things from every possible aspect, so once it seems like I’ve found the “best” solution, I’d like for it to stay that way, please and thank you.
Life seems to really appreciate this fantastic quality about me and therefore, always cooperates with my plans. HA.
My friends and family would tell you that they have probably spent more time than they would like to admit thinking about how best to break the news of change to me. Yikes.
So many times, usually after getting upset because something went “wrong” or somebody let me down, I have stopped in my tracks & thought:
I’m done with this. I am not going to care anymore. I am going to embrace change – nay! I am going to seek out change – because I don’t like this about myself. Ok, God? Thanks.
Yet, there I am at the next junction of change and I find myself unable to fully be okay with it. As hard as I try, that knot of anxiety is there, reminding me that there is now a definite risk that I will be unhappy with the results of this new, unplanned experience.
I get frustrated with myself – and at times, God – because I think Why can’t I just get this tendency under control?
And there it is – control. Bottom line: control is the root of the entire problem.
See, deep down – like way deep down, where I wouldn’t actually want to admit it – I believe I am more capable than anyone, including God, to successfully plan and control my life. I desire omnipotence and omniscience above all else.
Omnipotence: Being all-powerful
Omniscience: Being all-knowing
I believe that God is a good god and has my best at heart, but there is this little seed of doubt that says Are you sure He is trustworthy? Are you sure that He cares enough about you to do exceedingly abundantly (Eph. 3:20-21)?
I do. But my need for control is a battle I have to make a conscious effort to fight every. single. day.
Now, more than any other time in my life, my need for control is exaggerated- particularly because I feel more out of control than I can ever remember. Why? Because my life doesn’t “look” exactly like I thought it would. The 12… 16… 18… 21 year old mes planned for this 23 year old me to be in a different spot at this moment. But the fact of the matter is I’m not in that pre-“planned” spot. And what’s more: no amount of wishing is going to put me there.
Here’s the truth: God knew I would be in this exact spot.
He knows where I’m going to be next. He knows what’s around the corner. I don’t. He is the omniscient One. And I am better off for it.
Because let’s be honest, we say we want to know what’s down the road, but think of all the times you have known about something that was going to happen in the future. How much anxiety did you let build up leading to the actual event because you knew what was supposed to happen & you didn’t want anything to mess it up?I’d be willing to bet a lot. (Unless you’ve completely figured out this whole peace & contentment thing- in which case, help a sister out!)
I don’t know where God’s taking me. I have dreams. I have hopes. I have places I’d like to see, things I’d like to accomplish, & relationships I’d like to build. And guess what? The potential of any or all of those hopes & dreams not being fulfilled stresses me out.
This post is not a cure for it. I don’t have a solution. I haven’t reached a higher plane of enlightenment. I’m not imparting some great wisdom on you. I can write & I can acknowledge & I can improve, all the while still struggling.
But even in the struggle, I can still daily choose the joy of the pencil – the ability to keep faithfully writing my story with the Lord – instead of dwelling in the pain of the paper cut – the insecurity I feel as a result of my selfish need for control. And the more I focus on His power, the less I am able to find the significance of mine.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And His peace, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” ~Philippians 4:6-7